I was never one to make New Year’s Resolutions, but last year, when it became trendy to come up with a WOTY (Word of the Year), I came up with two words that I wanted to inspire change in my life. The first was to be more tolerant. As most of you know, we’ve been in the Republic of Georgia for some time, now, with the exception of some side trips, last year, to Latvia, Poland, and Bosnia. What I’ve had to learn to be tolerant about, when staying in all these countries, is the differences in the regard for personal space. Unlike some of us from the US and other western cultures, people in these countries are not bothered by strangers getting very close to them on the streets, sidewalks, or in the shops. They apparently don’t think anything of it. Here in Georgia, they seem to share everything. They’ll park in your driveway and let their cows graze on your front lawn. The neighbor children have walked into our apartment, without knocking, to say, “Hello”, and city workers have walked in, without knocking, to check out our new gym equipment. The way I’ve learned to be tolerant of all this is to realize that the people are not acting out of malice, or with bad intentions. The behaviors are just part of their culture, just as modesty, and the need for personal space, are part of ours.
My second WOTY, for 2019, was to be more adventurous. When I came up with that word, I was picturing myself white water rafting or kayaking. these activities didn’t happen. The closest we got to a physical adventure, was when we went hiking and horseback riding, at the National Park, in Lagodekhi, Georgia, late last summer. We did experience a different kind of adventure, this past year, when we bought an apartment, here in Chiatura, Georgia. Coming up in this post, I’ll be telling you more about the move to Chiatura, the apartment we bought, and the renovation process.
First, I want to tell you about my intention for 2020, which is to become more authentic. That means I want to be as honest and forthright, as I can, about our lifestyle, and the places that we travel to. Not every place is picture-perfect, but sometimes, it’s imperfections, are what make it interesting. Why did I wait until the year that I’m turning 60, to become more authentic? Because I’m finally able to do that, after recovering from the grief, that I experienced, when I found out from my younger sister, a few years ago, that my mother had disowned me.
It was May of 2015, and we were staying in Dazio, Italy when my sister came to visit. We were in her rental car, on the way to Verona, when she told me that my mom had disowned me. According to her, my older sisters had talked her into it. I was devastated, and after my sister had returned to her home in Naples, I called my mom to ask her about it. I was humiliated in front of my daughter and husband when my mom pretended not to know who I was on that Skype call. Then she said that she couldn’t remember why she’d done it.
I called my mom several times after that initial phone call. she remained hostile towards me and adamant about her decision. The last time that I talked with her, in July 2016, we were in Scotland and my oldest sister, who is the executor of my mom’s will, was visiting her. She got on the phone and claimed that my mom had disowned me for things that I did when I was 20 years old.
All I ever wanted was for my mom to tell me why she had disowned me. What I realize now, is there was no reason, and that’s why she couldn’t tell me. she hasn’t changed. I just couldn’t see who she really was before. I never felt loved as a kid and had very little self-worth. My dad was in the military and was rarely home. That left the raising of their 6 children up to my mom. Her method of discipline was to beat my sister, who was 3 years older and to criticize and ridicule me. I became withdrawn, suffered from anxiety and developed an eating disorder. My younger sister, who I mentioned earlier, as far as I know, didn’t experience any abuse. The older ones were grown and on their own, when I was old enough to remember all this, so I can’t speak for what they went through.
When I first heard that my mom disowned me, I blamed myself, like a victim of domestic violence often does. I felt guilty and thought that I must have done something to deserve it. Recently, I had my own “Aha” moment when I was watching an old episode of Oprah and she was interviewing Jane Fonda. Jane was talking about her own childhood and describing how her own parents were not there to support her in the way that she needed. Jane’s own mother had been sexually abused, and when Jane was 12, she committed suicide. Jane goes on to say that her parents did the best they could, and she forgives them, but it’s up to all of us to be better. So that’s what I’m going to do. I forgive my mom, and I will be a better mom, and grandmom than she was.
What does becoming more authentic mean to me? I can finally feel good about myself and show the world who I truly am, without fear of judgment or criticism.
The Move to Chiatura
We were going to move to Chiatura in February, after our trip to the Netherlands, but we were anxious to start the renovations on the apartment that we had bought there, back in October. We gave up our apartment in Tbilisi and moved into an apartment in Chiatura, on the 19th of November. We debated about trying to move into our own apartment, right away, and renovate it while we were living there, but given our experiences of living in construction sites while renovating 2 homes in Florida, and one in Maine, we decided not to put ourselves through that.
Our first week, here in Chiatura, was spent adjusting to living in a new city and setting up a daily routine. When we lived in Tbilisi, we worked out regularly at Snap Fitness Center, and when we moved to Chiatura, we wanted to include fitness in our daily activities, as well. After investigating and being disappointed with a fitness center we found near Chiatura, we decided to go to a shop in Tbilisi and buy our own equipment. We picked out a crossover machine, that gives us both a full-body workout, and a treadmill for me since I love to run and have been doing so for years. The equipment was delivered and set up, at our new residence, the very next day. Now, we begin each day with a fitness routine before starting work on the apartment.
Chiatura has plenty of pharmacies and market stands, selling fresh fruits and vegetables, but is lacking in the larger grocery stores that sell meats. We’ve had to make a couple of trips, by bus, back to Tbilisi, to stock up on meats. We take a taxi back, with our groceries, which hasn’t always worked out too well. On one of our trips back, it was snowing on the mountain, that we had to pass over to get to Chiatura. Our driver got stuck behind a truck and wasn’t able to climb the steep grade of the mountain, because he didn’t have snow tires on his vehicle. He called his friend, who had a jeep, to take us the rest of the way to Chiatura. The normal 2 1/2 hour ride from Tbilisi to Chiatura, took us 5 hours that night. Recently, we met a woman named Nino, who is a translator, and who speaks perfect English. she told us where we could buy fresh meats in Chiatura, from the local farmers. she agreed to go with us one day, to help us recognize what we’re buying, and to help us talk to the vendors.
One of the other challenges to living in Chiatura, right now, is the water situation. The city water is turned off every morning at 11:00 am and doesn’t go back on until 6:00 pm. It is shut down at 11:00 pm and goes back on at 7:00 am, the next morning. Many people in Chiatura have a backup water tank in their homes, so they have water 24 hours a day. Our hosts for this apartment do not have a backup tank. We sometimes feel stressed trying to shower, wash clothes, and do dishes, during the hours that the water is on. According to our friend Nino, the water situation should be resolved by the spring of this year, and water will be available for everyone, 24 hours a day.
Our hosts also have a hot water tank, in this apartment, that shorts out, sometimes, and the hot water will go off while we’re trying to shower. Even though when we first moved here it was the only apartment available to rent, the good news is, another new apartment has become available, and we’ll be able to move in there, after our trip to the Netherlands, in February.
The work on our apartment, here in Chiatura, began with demolition. We hired a local man named Dito, to help us with some of these jobs. We met him through our friend Jimmy, who speaks English and owns the hardware store in town. What we’ve had Dito do so far on our apartment, has been to remove all the old bookcases and books from the foyer, remove metal bars on the outside of the windows, install new windows in the foyer, and remove and block up the old apartment entrance, where the new bathroom will be located. We’ve hired our young, 17-year-old neighbors, Daniel and Gaga, to help Dito load up his truck with the materials that are being torn out. Daniel, also speaks pretty good English and helps translate our instructions to Dito.
Following the demolition process, Tim and I have been working steadily, almost every day, since December, roughing up rooms, in preparation for the next phase of the renovation, which will be, running plumbing, electric and gas lines, before we begin to skim coat the walls. Tim has been sanding windows and shutters, and I’ve been knocking out old kitchen tiles and stripping wallpaper. It may seem like the work would be tedious, but I get a lot of satisfaction from it, while I dream about what the apartment is going to look like when it’s all done.
Our neighbors in Chiatura have been very welcoming, and sometimes they’ll cheer, “America”, when they see us on the street. As a typical gesture of friendship, in Georgia, some have been stopping by with homemade wine, bread, and sauces. We, in turn, have been giving them furniture from the apartment that we can’t use. Tim and I have agreed, that when the apartment is complete, hopefully, sometime this summer, we’re going to host a big block party and invite all our new neighbors.
Take a look at the video below, for a tour of our apartment and see how the renovations are coming along. I’ll keep you updated on our progress.
Wow! Your place is going to be amazing! Such high ceilings and beautiful sunlight! I am so happy for you! Thank you for sharing this! I can’t wait to journey along with you!
Hi Amy- Thank you for your kind words. We are really enjoying the work at this place and are so happy we decided to buy it. Now we’ll have a place to call home and a place from which to travel.
Wow Christina! I admire your decision and relate to several pieces of your childhood in addition to suffering a split with several of my siblings who made horrible accusations as my husband and I managed my mother’s affairs and got her in a safe place. I too felt unloved and suffered emotional abuse by my mother, yet have had to care for her. I forgive her as you have done with your mother. I turn 60 this year too and am using our southern trip to Florida as a “healing trip”.
Very best wishes to you in your continuing adventures!
Love, Suzanne
Hi Suzanne. I felt the connection with you when I knew you in Maine. I felt like you knew what I was going through. I’m sorry for the abuse you suffered as well. The pain of what we went through always seems to come out in midlife. I hope visiting Florida is a healing trip for you. I used to live in Pensacola, where our children were born. Have a wonderful trip and thank you so much for your kind words and for visiting my blog.
Love this whole blog post…can’t wait to see more of your adventures. The added video just brings it all together in my mind.
Hi Della- It means so much that you visited my blog. Thank you. I can’t wait to share more adventures!
Hello Christina
I read your blog, and am sorry for what you went through growing up and that it has been difficult with your mom. I love that you chose the word authentic and believe in yourself and want to just live life as best you can! Your new place has lots of light and the gym room is coming along! I take 2 baths a day with my medical condition, hearing this sometimes I think we take that for granted! Look forward to hearing more about your journey! Your neighbors sound lovely!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
Hi Jess- We are really enjoying the work we’re doing in this apartment. It’s so therapeutic and creative. The neighbors have been so kind, that it makes me want to give back to this economically depressed community. When we’re finished this apartment we plan on getting involved in some projects to promote tourism in this city. thanks for visiting, Jess.
TravelingDiva.Life hi! Just wrote a long comment and my hotspot went out! I want to hear more! So interesting! What is it like living so close to the Middle East? The apt. Looks gorgeous. Will the water situation change?
Hi Judy- The capital city, Tbilisi, gets plenty of middle eastern tourists, but Georgia is predominantly a Christian nation and we haven’t had any issues. Thanks so much for visiting my blog. I really enjoyed your blog as well.
I had a similar experience with my mom, and there’s one thing that has helped me the most. In therapy years ago, my therapist asked me to sit with my child self and talk to her. Tell her all the things I wished my mother had said to me. And most importantly, to hug her and give her the love and acceptance I desperately wanted and needed. This exercise was the beginning of my healing. Congrats on your journeys, and thank you for sharing.
Hi Jae- It’s comforting to hear about how other people have worked through the pain from a difficult childhood. When I first heard that my mom had disowned me, I felt like I was bad and deserved it. It’s taken me this long to realize that I’m not responsible for my mom’s behavior and that I’m worthy of being loved. I understand all that now and I’m finally in a good place. What helped me was a type of therapy I received from reading The Artist’s Way and doing the exercises. It still took 10 years to start really feeling good about myself. Thanks for visiting Jae. I’m looking forward to reading your post, later today.
Hi Christina! What a great video! It’s so nice to see the beginning of the work that you’ve already started. I’m so pleased that you have nice neighbours, I think it’s time we all went back to what it was like in the old days when everybody helped their neighbours – it doesn’t seem to happen much anymore, especially in big cities. You and Tim are amazing! I wish I could be with you scrubbing the wallpaper off your walls or chipping the tiles off with you – but I will instead enjoy your endeavours through your blog – thank you for sharing it!
I’m also sad to read the story about your mum and sisters – I’m also estranged from my mum, just because it was a relationship that had turned toxic over the years, so I stopped contacting her. She didn’t contact me either. I don’t know what she thinks because we’ve had no contact for about 18 years (except to notify me about deaths in the family). We must get past these things and realise that we can still live our best life with the people who love us and are willing to stand by us.
Take care and enjoy every minute of your adventure! x
Hi Cheryl- So great to hear from you! I agree with you. We must move on from our troubled pasts and I think the only way to do that is to acknowledge what we went through to be able to move on. I’m sorry for what you went through with your mom, also. You seem like a very strong person, though who was able to move past the hurt. Thanks so much for visiting. I hope we’ll be able to meet up soon.
Christina I think ‘adventurous’ was a perfect word for you last year – you’re living in a foreign country, several different apartments, bought an apartment that is going to be a HUGE project for you – I’m so looking forward to seeing what you’re going to do with it all – the video was fascinating and you’ve certainly got a lot of work on your hands.
I also loved your 2020 WOTY because I’m a huge fan of authenticity – we come from messy pasts (yours is far worse than mine) and we hide behind the walls of expectations and trying to please, once we accept our own worth and start choosing to be our best selves and discarding the thoughts, people and situations that get in our way, we start to shine. I think this is definitely going to be an amazing year for you – I’m quite envious of your courage and determination and vision!
Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM š
Hi Leanne. I’m elated by the positive and encouraging words I’ve received from you and others and I think to become authentic it’s helpful to take words that others have used to describe you and use them in our daily affirmations. I’m going to hang on to the words “courage” and “determination”, to keep me going in my quest to become authentic. I have a lot of respect for you and the way you write and will continue to follow your inspiring blog posts, throughout the year. Thanks so much for visiting.
What an adventure you’re on Christina! I loved being able to see and hear you talk about your new apartment on the video. You are brave and confident to have faced such adversity within your family unit and continue to move forward in your life. I can’t wait to see the next update! #MLSTL
Hi Candi. We have a ways to go on this project and we’ll be taking a week to visit my daughter in the Netherlands when she has her baby. I’m hoping we’ll have it at least to the point of being able to live there, sometime this summer. Thanks for your kind words. I’ll keep you updated on our progress.
Wow, that is some ambitious project! I look forward to following your journey as the apartment progresses. Authenticity is a condition I measure myself against every day. Some days feel more honest than others, but we are all works in progress. Visiting from #mlstl
Hi Suzanne. We’re really enjoying this renovation project but can’t wait to have it finished enough to move in. It can sometimes be difficult living authentically, day to day, especially when we are bombarded with other people telling us how we should live our lives. Thanks for understanding and thanks for visiting. I’m going to look you up. I don’t think we’ve ever connected and I’m interested in more of what you have to say.
What a post…and what an authentic one as well. You are not shying from the truth of your story. You are moving through it and onwards. All kudos to you.
Denyse #mlstl
Hi Denyse. Thank you so much for your kind words and for visiting my blog. Now I’m heading over to visit yours.
Wow Christina, I take my hat off to you for your determination and courage in all you are doing. Your WOTY is perfect for you and I wish you well. You have a huge job on your hand but you are tackling it with real guts! All the best for a great 2020. #mlstl
It’s always such a pleasure to have you visit my blog, Deb, and thank you for your encouraging words. I wish you a great year as well.
Man, you have some challenges! I can already see the authenticity coming through as you write. Wishing you all the very best, but to me I can feel the resilience and courage in your words. #MLSTL
Thanks so much for visiting, Jo. It makes me feel so good to read your words of encouragement. I enjoy your blog as well and will continue to follow.
Very powerful post, Christina! I am so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced but the way you’ve chosen to handle things sets an excellent example. It’s so exciting seeing you get settled into the new apartment and look forward to hearing about your Netherlands trip!
Thanks so much for visiting, Betsy, and for your kind words. My daughter just had her baby this morning and we’ll be going to the Netherlands to see her on the 8th of February. I hope to have a post shortly after.
Fascinating post!!!
Thank you for being so vulnerableš
My mother did not disown me but I donāt have any relationship with her … either
we donāt talk
so I can relate to your emotional pain and
if you want we can talk
because I can tell you honestly 100%
Iām free of any guilt or shame
Yes it took many years but itās possible
and itās super super freeing
Oh I really enjoyed your story about Georgia too!!!
Recently as per our conversation It got into my heart
now I want to move there toošinstead of moving to Italy this summer
thank you so muchššš
Thank you for your kind and caring words, Olga. I didn’t know it would take so long to get over the pain of what my mom did. I must say though Before I found out, I blamed myself that she didn’t want to have a relationship with me. It took her disowning me for me to recognize that I didn’t deserve the way she treated me as a kid, or as an adult. I think it’s important to take stock of ourselves, and figure out why we feel the way we do about ourselves. For me, it began when I was 50. Now finally at almost 60, I can honestly say, that I feel great about myself. Thanks for visiting and I hope you do move to Georgia. Let me know if I can help out in any way.
Wow, by my standards you certainly are adventurous Christina! I love hearing about your experience moving to Chiatura. I can’t imagine doing that, but it sounds interesting and brave. Thank you also for your bravery and willingness to be vulnerable in sharing your authentic self. It makes me sad to read of your experience as a child, but I presume it helped shape you into the strong woman you are today, and as you said, you have chosen to be a better mother and grandmother. Good for you! Best wishes with your apartment and your adjustment to life in Chiatura. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!